Grief is a painful and unpredictable experience, and when someone loses a loved one, nothing feels normal anymore. Friends and family often try to help with words of comfort, but sometimes those words unintentionally hurt more than they heal. People say the first thing that comes to mind because silence feels awkward, but certain phrases can make the grieving person feel dismissed, misunderstood or pressured to be okay too soon. Learning what not to say is an act of compassion. It helps us support loved ones with understanding rather than forcing them to hide their pain. This article shares phrases to avoid and explains why they can be emotionally damaging, along with better ways to support someone who is grieving with empathy and presence.
Things you should never say to someone who is grieving
I know exactly how you feel
Even if you have experienced loss, you cannot truly know how someone else feels because every relationship and every grief journey is unique. Saying this can make the grieving person feel invisible, as if their personal pain does not matter. Instead of comparing experiences, a more supportive response is, “I cannot imagine what you are going through, but I care about you and I am here for you.” This acknowledges the depth of their grief without minimising it.
They are in a better place
While often meant to bring comfort, this phrase can feel like a dismissal of pain. In the early stages of grief, many people feel shock, anger and confusion, and they are not ready to hear spiritual explanations. Assuming they should feel better because of where their loved one is believed to be may cause resentment or emotional withdrawal. What they need most is space to express what they are feeling, not reasons to stop feeling it.
Everything happens for a reason
This phrase is one of the most painful to hear during grief because it attempts to rationalise something that feels senseless. It can make the grieving person feel guilty for struggling or suggest that their suffering is somehow justified. Instead, simply say, “I am so sorry that you are going through this.” It validates the emotional reality rather than trying to make sense of it.
You need to be strong
Telling someone to be strong implies that crying or breaking down is wrong. It places pressure on the grieving person to hide their emotions and pretend they are coping when they are overwhelmed inside. Grief is not a weakness. A healthier message is, “It is okay to feel however you feel” or “You do not have to be strong right now.” Permission to feel is far more healing than instructions to control emotion.
It is time to move on
There is no timeline for grief and no correct time to stop missing someone. Saying this can make someone feel ashamed for still hurting or push them into emotional isolation. People heal at different speeds and in different ways. A supportive alternative is, “Take all the time you need. I am here for you whenever you need me.” Patience creates safety and trust.
At least they lived a long life or at least you had time with them
Any sentence that begins with “at least” tries to minimise pain by offering perspective. It may sound logical, but grief is not logical. This phrase can make someone feel that their sadness is not valid. Loss hurts no matter how much time you had. A better response is simply, “Your loved one meant so much. Tell me about them if you feel like talking.”
You can have more children or you will find someone else
This is deeply hurtful and suggests that loved ones are replaceable. Every relationship is unique and cannot be substituted. Instead, honour the depth of the bond by saying, “I am here to support you through this heartbreak.”The most powerful support does not come from perfect words but from genuine presence. When someone is grieving, silence filled with care is often more comforting than phrases meant to fix what cannot be fixed. Listen, sit with them, share memories, offer practical help and let them feel without judgement. They may forget what you said, but they will remember that they were not alone.
