If you love someone with a drug or alcohol problem, then you’re probably well aware that it can be incredibly confusing to know what to say or do.
You want to support your loved one and help them heal, but at the same time, it’s absolutely crucial to set healthy boundaries and protect your own well-being. And the very last thing you want to do is to trigger or abandon them during a difficult phase of their life.
Rachel Wallace, the senior director of substance use counseling services at Hackensack Meridian Carrier Clinic/Retreat & Recovery at Ramapo Valley in New Jersey, said that friends and family members are a critical part of the recovery process. Research has shown that people with stronger support systems stay in treatment longer. They’re also more likely to recover and less likely to relapse.
“People do recover, and your friend is so lucky to have you in their circle of support,” Wallace said.
We asked Wallace and other substance use counselors how you can show up for a friend or family member who is struggling with addiction. Here’s what they said.
Listen without judgment.
It’s common for people with addiction to feel ashamed and disappointed in their behavior, so the first thing you can do is to listen without casting judgment or criticizing your loved one, said Michelle Sproule, a licensed professional counselor and the chief clinical officer at Scottsdale Recovery Center in Arizona. By creating a safe space, your friend or family member can express their thoughts and struggles without worrying about what you’ll think, say or do.
Sproule recommended asking open-ended questions, nodding when they discuss their experiences and making eye contact to show you’re engaged and interested in what they’re saying.
“A friend showing this support helps foster trust and makes the individual feel valued, encouraging them to open up about their struggles, which is essential for their healing process,” Sproule said.
Educate yourself on addiction.
Next, you’ll want to learn about addiction — specifically, what the disease is and how it impacts different people, suggested Alicia Molina, a certified alcohol and drug counselor at Clear Behavioral Health in California. Consider dropping in on an anonymous support group meeting for friends and family members affected by another person’s addiction.
When you have a solid understanding of the disease, you can better support your loved one with empathy and compassion.
“Knowing the facts, the signs and the resources will enhance your ability to be of maximum service and will give your friend an overall better foot in the door of recovery,” Molina said.
Addiction look different from person to person, so pay attention to how the disease specifically affects your loved one. If, for example, you know they are triggered by certain individuals or environments, you can help them avoid those.
“To have some insight and awareness into addiction makes your friend feel safer and more supported during this difficult time,” Molina said.
Encourage your loved one to reach out for professional support.
According to Sproule, professional help is a key step in recovery, which is why she recommends gently suggesting that your loved one meet with a certified therapist or attend a support group.
Conduct some research to help them identify resources and recovery programs in your area. Sharing treatment options shows that you care about their well-being and are there to support their journey, Sproule explained.
“This can relieve some of their fear or uncertainty about seeking help, helping them feel more empowered to take action,” she said.
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Offer practical assistance.
Many people with addiction struggle to keep up with their daily tasks and responsibilities, which is why lending a helping hand can have a huge impact. Offer to drive them to and from meetings, run errands together, provide them with meals, or go grocery shopping with them so they feel less tempted to buy alcohol, Sproule recommended.
“These small gestures can alleviate some of the stress they may feel as they work on recovery,” Sproule said. Actions like these also show your loved one that they’re not alone, which can make the recovery process seem less intimidating and isolating.
Stay connected and check in regularly.
Addiction thrives on isolation, and people struggling with drug or alcohol use often wind up feeling lonely. Stay active in your loved one’s life to show them that you still care for them.
Send text messages or have a video chat with them. If you live nearby, plan fun, healthy activities to do together — schedule a coffee date, try out new hobbies, or go on a walk or hike.
“It is helpful for anyone in recovery to find sober activities that are fulfilling, yet this can be scary and challenging,” Wallace said.
Furthermore, having plans to look forward to can help your loved one avoid triggers, stay motivated with their recovery, and rediscover purpose in their life, she added.
Set fair but firm boundaries.
You want to support and assist your loved one, but you also don’t want to become overwhelmed or have the person overly rely on you. Sproule recommended communicating your boundaries in a clear, compassionate way by sharing what you can and cannot tolerate.
“Boundaries protect both you and your friend, preventing enabling behavior while showing them that their actions have consequences,” she said.
Don’t forget to take care of yourself so you can continue to offer support without getting emotionally drained. Remember that you can’t control your friend or family member’s actions or fix their addiction.
“Your role is to provide support, not to take on their recovery as your responsibility,” Sproule said.
Need help with substance use disorder or mental health issues? In the U.S., call 800-662-HELP (4357) for the SAMHSA National Helpline.
