Something weird seems to happen as soon as it hits 1 December – people from the past start creeping out of the woodwork. First, flings I haven’t spoken to in six months start sliding into my DMs. Then, exes I’ve blocked are riding on the same Tube carriage. Soon, university friends I’ve drifted from are sidling over in the supermarket. I’ve barely opened my Advent calendar and everywhere I turn, the people of yesteryear are there, too.
Dating site eHarmony – because there’s a buzzword for everything now – dubbed this phenomenon “Marleying” after Jacob Marley, the ghost of Ebeneezer Scrooge’s former business partner in Charles Dickens’s A Christmas Carol. Originally, this term denoted only exes who were trying to get back in touch over the festive season. A common occurrence, due to our susceptibility to yuletide nostalgia. This trend hits us in a double whammy with cuffing season, the period during winter months when singletons find themselves seeking to be “cuffed” or “tied down” by a serious relationship.
Exes get the urge to send annoying, mind-bending messages over the Christmas season for any number of reasons. There are the classics: loneliness, wistfulness, regret or curiosity. Some are seeking temporary comfort without long-term intentions, or just making a slightly selfish grab for validation or closure. Or sometimes it’s plain old seasonal sentimentality, aka being possessed by “holiday spirit”, according to psychologist and relationship coach Dr Lalitaa Suglani.
But this time of year can see returns to questionable situationships, and reunions with long-forgotten acquaintances and ex-best friends, too. In the space of a week, I spotted a boy I met in Bolivia outside the Tube station in Moorgate, my old art teacher on the train in Surrey and my former housemate’s cheating ex-boyfriend carrying his groceries home in Clapham. With this inundation of haunting by the ghosts of Christmas past, it’s been hard not to question whether the universe is playing some kind of sick joke on me.
However, upon further investigation, this isn’t the result of divine or cosmic intervention. As Dr Suglani points out, during the festive period, many of us love tradition. Between visiting your favourite Christmas lights or shuffling back to the same sleepy village your parents have lived in since you were five, the likelihood of bumping into someone from your past is simply much higher. Plus, at this time of year, we might just be looking out for familiar faces in the crowd a little harder than usual.
“During the holidays, the sights, smells, and sounds trigger stored memories from similar times in the past,” Suglani explains. “These cues activate areas of the brain like the hippocampus and amygdala, which are responsible for memory and emotion, making old connections and relationships resurface and feel more meaningful. This heightened mental state, combined with the emotional nature of the season, amplifies the significance of these chance encounters.”
She explains that we often choose to see these chance encounters as a “sign” because “our brains are wired to seek meaning and patterns, especially during emotionally charged times like the festive season”. “Psychologically, this is known as apophenia,” she adds, “which means the tendency to perceive connections or meaningfulness in unrelated events. The holidays amplify this because they’re steeped in symbolism, reflection, and heightened emotions, especially when we are yearning for a connection.”
And as far as branding goes, Christmas is essentially an anti-independence campaign. From John Lewis to Tesco’s cinematic adverts, complete with family reunions and hugs surrounded by twinkly lights, the “togetherness” and “forgiveness” messaging is hit-you-over-the head-with-a-yule-log obvious. So, by the time you’ve had one or five large glasses of red wine, of course you’re going to be more susceptible to the comfort of someone from your past reaching out a tinsel-entwined hand and trying to reconnect.
It is so, so, tempting to respond. But Dr Suglani warns that it’s crucial to differentiate between succumbing to your emotional impulses by offering an olive branch to whoever may be pestering you, and reuniting with a loved one who legitimately enhances your life. To figure this out, she suggests a checklist.
“Reflect on these questions,” she says. “Why did the relationship end? Are those issues solved? Does reconnecting serve your current emotional and mental wellbeing? Are you clear on your intentions, and do they align with what the other person might expect? Could this reconnection harm the progress you’ve made since the relationship ended? Or could you find yourself opening up a door that you deep down know is not meant for you?”
It is, of course, possible to have a good experience with a festive reconciliation. Sometimes. One year, when I was 14 and a fairly large bombshell had been dropped on my family unit, my father and I went through a period of estrangement. We hadn’t spoken for several months. I screened his calls. Swerved his visits. Then, in December, he got me. “Come on,” he said, “it’s Christmas.”
But in instances when you need to summon the strength to resist, Dr Suglani and Dr Elena Tourini from the Chelsea Psychology Clinic recommend five steps to stop yourself from skipping off merrily to a carol concert with a person you left in your past for a reason. Take a minute to pause and reflect on how you’re actually feeling about this person re-entering your life. Recall the past honestly and check you’re not remembering your interactions with rose-tinted glasses. Get some brutally honest advice from your friends. Redirect your energy into relationships with those who fulfil you or activities you find interesting. And, maybe most importantly, set boundaries – say no to their invites, mute their messages or block their number entirely if you have to.
“When approached mindfully, festive reunions can reignite valuable connections, but only when they are rooted in mutual growth, self-trust and authenticity and not in anxiety or loneliness,” says Dr Suglani. “Just because an encounter might feel serendipitous, doesn’t mean it’s a sign.” You heard her.
“Ultimately, trust your instincts,” Dr Tourini adds of our often failsafe gut feelings. “And take your time.”
So, the next time a ghost of Christmas past rears its terrifying head, make sure to fully deliberate whether the best course of action is a reunion drink or an exorcism. Truly, the best present you could give yourself might be the peace of knowing you opted to click the block button and banish them for good.
